introduction go.

&& I'm a loser.

I'm sixteen years old (5/30/93) and I spend most of my time on the Internet.
I am the nicest megalomaniac you will ever meet, probably.
I love everyone, so if we've talked before and you were alarmed at the fact that I said "ily" when we were done talking, don't be. It's just a reflex.
I like music a lot. There usually isn't a moment where I'm not listening to music. I like a few different types of music, but right now a few of my favorites include: Senses Fail, My Favorite Highway, Forgive Durden, My Chemical Romance, Mindless Self Indulgence, Funeral for a Friend, Blood on the Dance Floor, Hit the Lights, We the Kings, Three Days Grace, the Classic Crime, Mariana's Trench, System of a Down, Metro Station, and Hey Monday (that's just right now). I love going to concerts but my mom is a douchebag and tends to hate taking me to the venues.
I love photography, especially of bands. I'm not very good at it because it's sort of hard taking good pictures of bands when you're getting punched in the head. But I do my best. : >
I waste most of my life away on the computer, talking to people I don't know in real life and a few people I do know in real life. I watch videos on YouTube. I laugh. I roleplay. I read. I write. I complain. I love.
I am a French student, and an ex Latin student. I absolutely love languages and their cultures. By the time I am old and gray, I hope to be fluent in German, French, Latin, and Japanese.
I have a completely irrational fear of squid, and a sort of morbid fascination with them because of the fear.
My friends mean the world to me, and I would do anything for them at the drop of a hat. They make my life complete and keep me sane. I don't know what I would do without them, and I thank God every day that I have them, and I pray that I am able to keep them.
I like to call myself a writer, although I think that's flattering myself. Occasionally I churn out something halfway decent and I am very happy when that happens. Most of the time, though, I suck. I am trying to write a novel's coming along at a snail's crawl, but at least it's coming, right? 
I absolutely adore watching movies (good movies that is!). I'm really in to the whole lgbt movie movement, probably because of my own preference of gender but what ever. Itty Bitty Titty Committee changed my life, I recommend watching it. I also recommend watching A Clockwork Orange if you haven't already because that movie seriously did change my life as well.
I love Family Guy, Danny Phantom, American Dad, the L Word, Dead Like Me, and other shows like that. I don't tend to watch a lot of TV but there are times when I'm bored and I'll search for stuff online. C'mon, gimme a good TV show that you like. Maybe I'll watch an episode or two.
I have no life for the most part, which sort of makes me sad, but what ever. I don't really care, haha. I have a few friends but that's about it and I like it like that. I had a falling out with a few close friends so now I'm sort of in this limbo like state, but it's okay. 
I need to be more active on this site because I need something to do.

IM me, I love people, and I'm sure that I will love you.
Faux Folie
My other contact info is on the side ~ ~
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Hit the Lights

Letter to my mom

Dear Mommy,

    I’m sure you’ve noticed that the past eight months (or so) I’ve been moody, easily angered, jumpy, and absolutely obsessed with my privacy. I think you deserve to know why, because I love you and despite our problems, I want to include you in my life.

    Late in 2008, I came out to myself as transgendered. That means that I realized I want to live as a boy and be seen as a boy by society. Although I had questioned my femininity many times in the past, this was the first time that it really stuck with me and I realized the weight of the realization.  Naturally, my first reaction was to shove it deep down and far away from my conscious so that I didn’t have to deal with it “until I was older.” When I started working at Old Navy and had a lot of time on my hands, I started thinking more seriously about the issue once again, and I began to realize that this wasn’t a split-second thought that would disappear with time. This was something real and tangible that I had to deal with.

    By mid December, I began talking to some friends about what I was going through. Most of them reacted very well. I completely came out to myself and told myself “I want to be a boy” around this time, and I began working on how to come about this change.

    It’s been more than half a year since I came out and I’ve seen two psychologists and two school therapists about wanting to transition. I hope to start Testosterone therapy sometime in the near-ish future. When I start T-therapy, a lot of changes will happen physically. My bone structure will change, my voice will drop, and among many other things, I’ll just overall begin looking more like a guy and less like a girl.

    Because of this feeling of incongruence with my gender (hence the official name, “Gender Incongruence”), I have gone through serious bouts of depression periodically throughout my life. It has become difficult for me to live as a female and occasionally it causes me great despair to dress, act, and look like a girl.

    I’m sure you remember when I was younger – four or five – I despised makeup and girly things. I remember telling you that I wanted to be a boy. When I was in third grade, I often pretended to be a boy at school and I would sneak over to the “boys” side when we played games in gym. I even crossdressed a few times and wanted to go to public school dressing as a male, “just to see what it was like.” You accepted this in stride, allowing me to be myself and not questioning my baggy clothes and my own transitioning process to a more androgynous look.

    It’s taken me a very long time to come to terms with this and to accept it. The first time I thought of it was when I was seven and realized that I wanted to be a boy, and it seemed natural to me. But I went through a whole lot of repression and suppression because I felt I wasn’t old enough to deal with such an issue. Every so often throughout my childhood I’d ask myself, “am I ready to talk about this yet?” and the answer would always be no. But I finally cracked and it got to the point that I couldn’t deal with hiding it any longer. I truly feel that I am supposed to be a guy and that I will be happier and my life will improve significantly once I begin living as a guy.

    There are a lot of resources on this topic and a lot of information and research that’s being done about it. If you’d like to know more, you can always come to me and talk about it. I’ve done my fair share of homework on the topic and I know a lot about it, the changes it’ll have on my life and my body, and the effect it will have on you and the family in general.

    My hope is that I can start living by my chosen name – Adrian – someday soon. A lot of my friends (including Amberlee, Ian, and Dimitra) and their parents call me by male pronouns and they call me Adrian. They have all been there by my side since the beginning of my transition and have helped me a lot. As for the near future, I want to start being seen as Adrian at school. Of course, to do this, I want and need you by my side, holding my hand. I’m more than well aware that it’s going to be difficult and that I may get bullied for it – although I doubt it. I have some great friends at school who already support me in this endeavor and who will protect me. (I also need to tell Grandma at some point, which of course means having the whole family know, and I’d really love your support and assistance when doing that as well.)

    I’m giving you this letter now – the day before I leave for Greece – to give you time to think about it, absorb it, and research it without my help. I know that this news is going to hit you hard, although I hope that with time, you’ll realize that it’s not all that hard to believe – that maybe you’ll start to agree with me and realize just how true this is. I told Daddy back in late May. You can always talk to Daddy about this as well. (My one wish is that you don’t discuss this with anyone else until I’m comfortable with letting family friends and family know. I’m almost there, but not quite. It’d mean a lot to me if, for the time being, you could keep this between you, Daddy, and me.)

    I love you very much, Mommy, and that is why I’ve decided to tell you this. I’m excited, terrified, and enthralled by the thought of a future where I can live as a boy freely and without worry. I hope that you can someday share that sense of excitement with me and that you will stand by my side throughout this. However, if you decide that you don’t want to be a part of this and you don’t approve, then I respect your decision. But I want you to know that it isn’t going to change the way I feel or who I am. This is who I am, Mommy, and it’s who I’ve been for a very long time; I’m just choosing to show you and the rest of society this new side of me.

    I love you Mom, and I’m excited to start this new chapter in my life with you beside me.